Winnicott’s Good Enough Mother
Donald Winnicott was a pediatrician and psychoanalyst who made important contributions to understanding the mother-child bond. In his theories, he shows us how the mother’s performance affects the child’s subsequent emotional development. Winnicott theorized the concept of the “good enough mother” to establish what is the minimum essential contribution for the child to mature adequately.
The confidence acquired by the little one will depend on these first vital phases. Depending on whether it has been more or less possible to satisfy his needs, a series of traits and pathologies will develop in him. However, what is most powerful and extraordinary about Winnicott’s theory is that no mother is needed, nor is she expected to be perfect. Let’s see why.
The functions of the mother
The early stages of a baby’s life are characterized by his inability to break away from his mother. The emotional bond is extremely close and the child is completely dependent on his care. For the child there is no separation between him and his mother, so the behavior of the mother must be aimed at detecting and satisfying the needs of the child.
In order for the baby to develop properly, according to Winnicott, a good enough mother must play a physical supportive role. It has to feed it, clean it, dress it and protect it; she must often take him in her arms. With all these actions she will show him her love through body language. Identifying his needs and satisfying them, showing himself present, will help him avoid the anguish of abandonment.
Furthermore, it is essential that the mother also provides emotional support. In other words, she must be open to accepting all the emotional manifestations of the child, accepting them and returning them to him in a more tolerable way.
The mother will not only take care of the positive feelings of the child, his smiles and his games. She must also be willing and available to receive high intensity negative emotions, crying, anxiety and impulsiveness.
Through the support offered by the mother, the child knows well-being, love and understanding; learn to feel safe. If this process has been carried out correctly, the child will be able to face the passage of gradual separation from the mother, through which he will affirm himself as being independent and different from her.
All these maternal behaviors are motivated by a feeling of “maternal concern” that appears already during pregnancy. It is a special sensitivity that allows women to identify with their little one, in order to satisfy and recognize his needs.
The good enough mom according to Winnicott
However, according to Winnicott’s good enough mother theory, it is unrealistic to expect her to always behave in the right way; that she understands every cry, gesture and discomfort of her baby the first time, that she can always take care of him instantly. We cannot expect this to always have the right frame of mind or the patience to respond optimally.
This would not be realistic, but it is not necessary either. In reality, the child is able to tolerate a certain degree of frustration, and as he grows up, this threshold rises. The mother’s temporary absence, her tiredness at specific times, or her inability to understand the baby’s crying will sometimes not hurt him emotionally.
A mother doesn’t have to be perfect, just good enough. That is, he must be present and available to the child, he must satisfy his requests, contain his anguish and show love. But, as a human being, he will sometimes make mistakes, and that’s natural.
The harmful consequences appear when the mother fails to take care of her baby. When he shows unpredictable changes in attitude that make him unable to develop confidence. When, as a general rule, he is not physically or emotionally available.
While this can happen, a good enough mother who is able to perceive her mistakes and correct them will still do a great job. In fact, it has been shown that love and care can repair the damage and build a secure bond if corrected.
The perfect mother does not exist
In short, a mother must not feel the pressure of perfection on her shoulders, on the contrary she must get rid of it. She can make mistakes, feel exhausted at times, and lose her temper at others. It is natural and nothing happens, as long as she is good enough.
